After many years, I had grown tired of ordinary evil acts.
I began pursuing my dastardly enterprises at a young age. I was only sixteen years old when I took all of my annual earning from my paper route and bought an airline ticket to Africa. I chartered a Jeep to a remote village in Zaire, and after spending several days getting to know the local population, I discreetly dumped a small packet of Ebola down the only drinking well in a fifteen mile radius. Much later, after returning home, I sent a letter with a photograph of myself, smiling and waving. Although I was very proud and anxious to claim responsibility for what I had done, I expect that there was no one left on the receiving end to acknowledge me. My superior plot went...unnoticed.
It was not a mistake I would soon repeat.
From then on, every ship I sank was equipped with exactly one life boat. Each plane that I blew out of the sky had internal parachutes built into a few seats. Yes, this required months of extra coordination, and incalculable added risk. But if there was no one left to tell the tale, how could my genius and meticulous planning ever be recognized? I needed witnesses to describe the horror to the world. I needed a few people to be left every time, to wonder why I picked them to survive when everyone else plunged to a fiery grave.
So, the last car of the train would detach ten miles before the engine would hurtle over a cliff. I would carefully leak vaccines into a few select homes' water supply before dusting a town with a mutated strain of measles. I would secretly build a safe room or two into the first floor of a building, rooms carefully designed so that they could survive the impact of 80 floors worth of steel and concrete crashing down around them. The survivors became my muses, my signature. They became what I was known for, all the world over.
This was all, of course, before I became fatigued.
After twenty or thirty years of doing a job, putting your heart and soul into your work, anyone can be expected to go through a period of self doubt. I became weary of doing the same old thing, day in and day out. There were only so many evil deeds in the world. Plane crashes were common. Buildings crashing down had become passe. I had blown up a few dams, flooded a few towns, but after a couple of awesome tragedies people got wise and most towns in valleys were abandoned. It was no fun flooding a ghost town.
And as much as I tried, over and over again, I could never quite perfect a machine that was capable of controlling the weather.
No, I needed something new. Something unexpected. Something to shake things up a bit. People had become accustomed to my run-of-the-mill terrorism. Sure I still got a bit of time on CNN, but with each new horrifying act, my profile would disappear off the news feeds more and more quickly. I began to discover quiet rumblings online that perhaps I was getting soft. Perhaps my evil had run its course, and it was time for a new evil doer to step up into my place.
I simply could not abide this type of thought. After my long and storied career, there was no way I was going to abdicate my position and allow some new, inexperienced whelp to try his hand. No, I had to prove that I still had what it took. I needed to do something so evil, so over the top, that people would once again gasp in awe at my audacity. I had to concoct something that had never been done before. I needed an act so inspired, awful and unthinkable, that it had no name.
I retreated for a time to my polar lair to concentrate on creating what was to be my crowning achievement. It began to dawn on me after some consideration that perhaps my problem was that I had failed to keep up with the times. I had become so set in my ways that I had failed to embrace all of the new technologies that were at my disposal. My entire method of planning and thinking was at least ten years out of date. Of course the message boards online were mocking me. Why would they not? I was old fashioned to them, a relic. I now knew exactly what I had to do to modernize my efforts. I knew how to capture the world's attention.
I realized that modern technology, which was often decried as a divisive force in the public's eye, could be used in quite a different way. While it was said that modern technology and communication devices often allowed people to close themselves off from the rest of the world and allowed some weak-willed users to become lost in a wonderland of anonymous chat and fantasy games, I knew that these same advances could be used to bring something into peoples homes that was intensely personal, immediate and dire. With a few simple, easily accessible devices, I could make the entire world at once both a victim and a survivor. I knew how to capture the world's attention, and how to beat them all to a pulp. Figuratively, of course.
I began with just a simple web page. On it, I featured a recently taken photo of myself, and a 48 hour clock, counting backwards. I knew that before long, the authorities would notice the page, and soon after them, the news people would pick up on my little broadcast and begin to monitor it. I had never announced an evil act before hand, instead preferring to save all comments and maniacal laughter for carefully released statements after the fact. My reputation being what it was, people would begin to speculate as to my intentions. Fear would ripple throughout the world. Businesses would close. Police and emergency services would add extra shifts in heavily populated areas. By the end of that 48 hours, the entire world would be on edge, glued to their televisions and computers, both terrified and excited to see what I had planned.
When the clock finally counted down to zero, the view switched over to a simple video feed. The camera was aimed at a blank brick wall. I waited a few moments to heighten the suspense, and then I stepped into view.
"Greetings, people of Earth. How is everyone feeling today?" I smiled and waved.
"I suppose you are all wondering what all the hoopla is all about. 'What is with the web page?' you are thinking. 'What could he be planning?' you are wondering. Well, that is why I am here. I am going to tell you.
"I have planted nuclear devices in 47 major metropolitan areas all around the world. I have timed these devices to detonate in precisely fifteen seconds. I have always wondered how I would fare in a post-apocalyptic world, and I finally decided to find out. The countdown begins....now!"
I pointedly looked at my watch. As much as I tried to stop it, I could not help the giggle that came over me. I stood there, staring at my watch and snickering, imagining the countless people all over the world darting around, hugging tightly to their loved ones, flinging themselves from windows, etc.
Finally, after thirty seconds or so, I decided to let them off the hook.
Laughing out loud now, I cried out, "JUST KIDDING! I'm only kidding! I wouldn't do that! Destroying the world is entirely unimaginative. I could have done that fifteen years ago, if I wanted to! No, I was only joking!
"In fact," I said, smiling graciously, "I want you all to know that you are safe. If you are watching this at home, you should now relax. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You will go to bed tonight, safe in your beds. Airplanes are safe to fly on. You should feel free to take the subway to work in the morning. The police, the ambulances, the army; you can all stand down. NASA, on the other hand...you guys might want to think about approving a bit of overtime."
I paused, staring benignly into the camera for several moments. I do relish dramatic pauses.
"You see, I am going to lay out my entire plan before you. I am going to explain exactly what I am going to do, and then I am going to do exactly what I say. And you will all be powerless to stop me.
"Let me start at the beginning. Over the last several months, I have travelled all over the world, with the help of various disguises,of course. I have visited every inhabited continent. I have done this with one single purpose. One driving motivation sent me reeling across the globe, careening from city to city, with only one goal in mind. And finally, I have achieved this goal.
"I have kidnapped the most adorable poor child on earth."
I swung the camera around to reveal the worlds most adorable little girl. She was sitting happily at a table, eating cupcakes that I had made myself, specially for the occasion. Her white-blond hair was tied back into a pony-tail, revealing exquisite bone structure. Her delicate little fingers were busily shoving the sweet cake into perfect little mouth, where she merrily chewed it with her perfect little teeth.
"Wave for the camera, Cindy-Lou!"
The child stopped gobbling down cupcake long enough to wave a perfectly cute, albeit grubby, hand at the billions of people watching her all above the globe.
"As you can see, she has been quite well cared for. I assure you, before I took her into my care, she was quite poor, and somewhat emaciated. I briefly considered allowing her to become addicted to crystal methamphetamine, but in the end I decided that such a course of action would be counter productive to what I am trying to accomplish here. I have taken great pains to ensure that she has had proper nutrition and exercise, in spite of the indulgent treat you are witnessing her devour during our little program this evening.
"As for her identity, well, that will remain a secret for now. I leave it up to the world's authorities to discover who she is and where she comes from, in order to return her body to its proper final resting place when we are finished here. During her time with me, I have simply called her 'Cindy-Lou Who', which has worked out nicely for both of us. Hasn't it, Cindy-Lou?"
The child nodded happily, chewing all the while.
"Now, I would like to take a moment to demonstrate how ludicrously adorable this child is. Cindy-Lou. Cindy-Lou!" I clapped my hands to get her attention. "Perhaps you could do us all a favor, and gift us with a song."
The child looked at me and smiled sweetly.
"Could Mr. Binks listen too?"
"Of course, dear," I said. "Mr. Binks can listen!"
The child stood from her chair and scurried across the room, returning with a somewhat tattered stuffed horse. She pushed the plate of cupcakes aside, and carefully positioned Mr. Binks on the table so that he was facing her, the closest of her massive audience.
Then with a voice that was heartbreaking soft, and crystalline in its timeless perfection, she began to sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Her sweet little voice filled the room, echoing off the distant walls. When she had finished, she grabbed the horse from the table and hugged him close to her.
"I love you, Mr. Binks," she whispered softly, but audibly. I could almost hear hearts breaking, all around the world.
"That was lovely, Cindy-Lou," I said softly, relishing the humanity of the moment. I remained silent for a time, simply letting the camera remain on the beautiful child, so full of wonder and innocence.
Finally, though slightly unwilling to break the spell, I swung the camera back around towards myself.
Taking a deep breath, I began again.
"So, now you are all expecting me to do something absolutely monstrous. You are thinking that I might simply grab a chainsaw and begin hacking away at the poor child. No, I assure you that I will not harm a hair on this child's head. She will not be beaten, cut, dismembered or abused in any way. I am evil, but I am no monster. No, what I have in mind is far more interesting...
I swung the camera around to reveal the rest of the impossibly massive room we were occupying. I expected that people the world over were gasping at what they saw.
"What you see here is a scale replica of an Saturn V Apollo Rocket. It has been programmed to launch in about ten minutes. I have spared no expense in either the building of this rocket, nor in the computers I have used to program the path it will traverse.
"You see, I am going to launch little Cindy-Lou Who here to the moon. All by herself. Well, except for Mr. Binks, of course. As I said, I'm no monster..."
I swung the camera around to again focus on the child.
"Little Cindy-Lou will be exposed to several minutes of crushing g-forces as the rocket carries her into orbit around the earth. I fully expect her to survive this process. She is young, and healthy. From there, she will be launched toward the moon. Approximately three days later, her lunar lander will touch down on the surface of the lunar landscape. Understand, this is not 1969. With our current technology, this entire endeavour can easily be automated. I used a Mac." I smiled for the camera, delighting now in the dawning horror that must have sweeping over every listener.
"Cindy-Lou will have enough oxygen, food and water to survive three, maybe four days once she reaches the lunar surface. Several cameras in the cockpit have been positioned to capture and broadcast to the world her entire trip and eventual demise from every possible angle. The very latest in two way radio technology will allow any authorities that possess the same technology to communicate with, and perhaps comfort little Cindy-Lou as her breathing air slowly dwindles away. Maybe, if we are lucky, they will convince her to sing a song for us from the moon. I'm quite sure that Mr. Binks will want to listen!"
With that, I couldn't stand it any more. I burst out laughing uncontrollably. Clutching my stomach and doubling over, I had to seat myself on a nearby stool, I was laughing so hard. I swung the camera around so the audience could see that Cindy-Lou was laughing as well, having been convinced by my rollicking guffaws that something hilarious was going on. We both laughed together for several minutes.
Finally able to calm myself, I stood, wiping the tears from my eyes and sniffing a bit. I held out my hand to the little girl.
"Come on, Cindy-Lou! Are you in the mood to take a ride?"
Still smiling happily, she nodded, reached out, and took my hand.
"You are going to have such an adventure!" I told her, leading her to the elevator. "You and Mr. Binks together!"
And I felt my heart positively glow, as the world shuddered around me.
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